TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, WELL SOMETIMES!!!

By Jim Patrick

Well, if you have recently called a help line or support center, the wounds might still be really deep due to a poor customer experience! A decade and a half ago, customer service and support was really helpful; but today, the experience is dreadfully painful

Few thought it could possibly become any worse. But, America have I got news for you; help lines have gone from not helpful at all and dreadful to painfully unhelpful and horrid. Now for the record, let me point out this took a real effort to accomplish. The formula was very complex and very calculated in the making. But, here in this blog, right here, right now, I will uncover the secret formula for painfully unhelpful service and support lines. Here we go and do take notes as there will be a test to follow….

First, start will one cash strapped American corporation with a CEO who manages only to the bottom-line. Add half dozen supportive board members who are threatened by a single large or institutional investor.

Now, you take the aforementioned and scrabble thoroughly in a series of polite, but totally hostile board meetings until deadlocked is accomplished.

OEM a product you know next to little about from a starving small group of entrepreneurs and immediately fire those that are the most knowledgeable and high paid. These individuals are easy to spot as they have the patents and are paid at 20% of what is paid for similar resources internally.

It time now to blend carefully the positive, fresh and can do spirit of the acquired company into your stodgy and politically infused culture until the positive and fresh can no longer be found.

You are doing remarkable well so far in your quest to offer horrid and painfully unhelpful services. Be proud of the damage you are already inflecting, but, the corporate goals will be made this year and the bonuses are being readied with care.

It’s now time to set up your support centers.   Add a large dose of Curry, Tabasco or Soy to the mix. Make sure you buy the very least expensive available and add a heaping bucket of wait time ‘on hold ‘with at least 10 levels of choices on your 20 year old IVRS system.

Be sure to staff to only 70% of required capacity so as not to overdue the service part. The goal here is to make the callers go back and read the poorly documented instructions or to just give up in totally fatigue and stress,

Remember that a caller wait time of less than 7 minutes is too little. Keep the costs low no matter what it takes; did I say no matter what it takes.

Ok, you are doing nicely…now bake in a non climate controlled call center daily for 24 hours. We want our agents to be a carefree; excuse me, I meant to say uncaring as possible. Staff 1 supervisor to every 200 agents only if you really have to. No supervisor to be found is better; then no one can talk to a supervisor.

Offer 3 languages; mediocre English; poor English and the most desired; @%&!!&% English.

Now you are ready. You have a worthless and world classless and horrid support and unhelpful center that is guaranteed to be painful to callers.

For the advanced corporate tightwad, consider adding robotic chat line help. This is wonderfully painful on that customer who is beyond ever considering purchasing a service or product ever offered by your company with a half life of not less than 200 years! You should be proud of your accomplishments as you will make your bottom-line numbers for the year.

Now there is an alternative to the ‘painful and horrid’ approach rendered thus far. A new breed of CEO who enjoys happy customer, happy employees and a happy community might consider this alternative recipe.

First, fully understand that the cost to acquire and retain a customer can be very high. But, loyalty and care begets loyalty and care. Kind of sounds like to Golden Rule momma taught us as ‘lil kids’…you know how it goes…

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." (Matthew 7:12, Matthew 22:39, Luke 6:31)

There are whole communities located right here in the good ole US of A that can offer better service that will make the customer experience pain free. Just look to your left, now look to your right…wow, there really are people right here available to serve American customers….

Just one old man’s opinion….